Leading positive change in your co-parenting relationship is all about finding your power as an effective leader.
6 Wheels coaches you to step into this leadership space, set your goal for the co-parenting relationship you want, and then align all your behaviours towards achieving this goal.
“But I don’t want to lead”
If you have a dysfunctional, stressful, high-conflict co-parenting relationship and want it to change, then you have three choices:
1) Wait for ‘things’ to change
2) Wait for your co-parent to change
3) Step up and lead the change yourself
So really, the only decent choice is number 3 - step up and lead the co-parenting change yourself.
The 5 Principles of 6 Wheels Co-parenting are effectively all about leadership and empowerment:
Conflict is opportunity for change
Life is not what happens to you, it's your response to what happens to you
Maximise what you have control over, and accept what you don't
Power is your capacity to influence
Identity is fluid
Really just think about this for a second. If these principles are the foundation for the choices you make, and how you interpret your life experiences, then you can completely transform your co-parenting situation.
In times of conflict, I always say to ask yourself: “How will you choose to see this situation? How will you choose to react?” But I invite you to take these questions to a higher level:“How will a leader choose to see a situation? How will a leader choose to react?”
“But reacting is the problem. I get triggered or emotions get the better of me and I just say whatever I’m feeling in the moment”
Strong emotions are great - they tell you that something is important to you. However, although saying whatever you feel or think can be very gratifying, it is not a leadership trait.
Leaders train themselves to suspend their ego and act for the greater good. A co-parenting leader will place a higher priority on what is best for the co-parenting relationship, than his or her own ego. This leads to choosing different ways of responding in a conflict situation.
Swallowing your pride when your co-parent is pushing your buttons is a hard medicine but with practice the bitter taste goes away. And what you’ll also start noticing is that, if you can stay calm and non-reactive when your co-parent is trying to argue with you, then you will already be modelling that you are in the role of leader. It’s that easy. If a little kid has a tantrum in a supermarket and the mother is frazzled and shouting, who is the leader? Ambiguous at best. But if the child has a tantrum and the mother stays calm it’s very clear who is in control of the situation.
“But if I be nice and accommodating, doesn’t that mean I’ll get walked all over?”
No, if you stay calm and non-reactive what you’re doing is behaving like a leader who has set a goal to achieve positive co-parenting and demonstrating that every action you take is in pursuit of that goal.
If you stop playing defense they’ll stop playing offense.
Brene Brown talks of vulnerability being a strength not a weakness, and says that “rumbling with vulnerability” is the ultimate skill for leadership.
“I feel like I’ve been hurt too many times and now have my walls up in my co-parenting relationship”
That’s a very normal reaction to repeated hurt and fear. And Brene Brown also talks of vulnerability being the greatest casualty of trauma. A common response to trauma or chronic stress is to armour ourselves up for self-protection. Brown says that armour can feel like safety, whereas vulnerability can feel life-threatening.
Vulnerability is defined by Brene Brown as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. She recommends building a grounded confidence in yourself, eg by finding out what you really value and living in alignment with these, and then finding the courage to lean into vulnerability, and get comfortable with being uncomfortable.
“I feel like every small issue becomes a battle that we both want to win”
Your co-parent doesn’t have to lose in order for you to win. You just need to remember that your goal isn’t to comfort your own ego, it’s to achieve positive co-parenting. Every time you behave in pursuit of this goal it demonstrates to your co-parent that you have a wider worldview, and that you have no interest in crushing them or “winning” just to throw your weight around, “win”, or try to control.
Co-parenting leadership is a journey of self-discovery. Leadership is power. But the most effective leadership uses what’s often called soft power - it’s humble, non-judgemental, validating, generous. It’s about building social ties, respect, trust and connection.
Research increasingly shows that people who develop their pro-social soft power skills actually have the most influence. Whereas people who view power as control are in fact wielding power out of fear and insecurity, choosing behaviours that make them feel superior or increase feelings of status or security.
“Why is power so important in co-parenting?”
It’s important for both parents to feel they have power. Studies show that when people feel they have power they feel more connected, have more resources, are able to express themselves better, and have a better overall psychological well-being.
In the co-parenting leadership space, the better you can make your co-parent feel about themself, eg the more you can help your co-parent feel empowered, the better they will feel about you. Being a leader is about bringing out the best in others. A key way to develop the best in your co-parent is by appreciation and encouragement.
“I have yet to find the person… who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism” Charles Schwab
“Wait - should I care how my co-parent feels about me?”
Leadership is about inspiring your co-parent to want to follow you. Differences of opinion won’t go away. But how you manage this can definitely change. Co-parenting leadership is setting the goal, setting standards, steering direction, and taking action. But you can’t lead effectively unless you have a willing follower.
So let’s look at what you can do to make your co-parent want to follow you.
And it starts with the reputation you have, which is quite simply, the general belief or opinion your co-parent has about you. As Oscar Wilde said, “reputation is the cornerstone of power”.
If you want to influence how your co-parent behaves towards you, how much he or she wants to cooperate with you, you need to be concerned with the overall impression he or she has of you.
“Well I have no trust in my co-parent, and I’m sure they feel the same way...”
Trust is an essential component of a positive co-parenting relationship. Brene Brown talks of it being a vulnerable and courageous process. It's also about being strategic, which is what 6 Wheels is all about. When you're bravely stepping into the realm of uncertainty, it's worth remembering the saying, “a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall” .
It begins with being curious, with saying, “this may be hard or awkward or uncomfortable and I don’t know how it will turn out, but I’m going to suspend my ego and judgement, and step into the leadership space and act according to my values and goals”
People are happy to be led by those they trust. The more you can build trust with your co-parent, the more willing they will be to follow you on the transformative journey to achieve positive co-parenting.
6 Wheels Co-parenting is a programme of systematic interventions designed to develop your skills as a co-parenting leader and build trust and value into your co-parenting relationship.