“... nothing’s working”.
We all know what this feels like, and how frustrating it can feel. “Right” actions should lead to “right” outcomes in a just and fair world. I know the feeling of taking the trouble to think and to plan and to put into action all the things that I thought would be “right” and lead to my goals, and then nothing works.
So frustrating and dispiriting!
In these situations it would almost be less stressful to know you were doing the wrong things and therefore it wasn’t working. That feels logical, right? It makes sense. We accept wrong actions = failure. And there’s a real comfort in having a logical explanation for things that happen in our lives. It’s why so many kids shy away from applying effort. If they fail, they then have a convenient and comfortable explanation - “I didn’t try, therefore I didn’t succeed”.
“But I’m just being reasonable”
This is common in co-parenting. How often have you found yourself justifying yourself as “being reasonable”, and at the same time trying to figure out why being reasonable didn’t get you the outcome you wanted? In the stories we tell ourselves it only makes sense that when we’re trying to negotiate with a (sometimes high-conflict) co-parent, we cast ourselves as the “reasonable” one, the hero doing the “right” things, and our co-parent is the villain, the one being unreasonable/controlling/useless etc. It’s human nature to look for a tidy story to explain what we’re experiencing.
“Ok, so maybe there’s more to it. What should I do?”
Changing how you’re co-parenting always starts with an easy 3 step process:
Acceptance. Maybe you’re not doing everything right. It’s as simple as that. Take a breath. Exhale. Maybe you’re doing something right. But if you’re not getting the results you want, then there’s definitely space to change something
Curiosity. Take a fresh perspective Start by wondering; a curious, impartial wondering. Wonder about when things are going well - what actions of yours could be contributing to good outcomes? How am I so sure that what I’m doing is “right”? Can i suspend my ego enough to look at this from a different perspective, perhaps my co-parent’s perspective?
Experimentation. Take new actions You’ve accepted that what you’re doing may not all be “right”. You’re curious about what’s happening. Now the third step is trying new actions, new behaviours. Whether your ideas are from friends, books, online, simply try something new. And then, like with all experiments, evaluate the results. What happened? What assumptions or biases do I have that could be clouding my results?
“How will I know when everything I’m doing is “right”?
Aha - the big question. We all want to be right - it’s comfortable for our egos and keeps our nervous system in a comfortable state. Your brain is totally geared up to want to feel "right" as often as possible..
So here's the kick. The only way to be right is to fail. Fail again and again and again. The only way of being “right” is welcoming failures, not as setbacks, but as opportunities to learn and grow.
Nic Lamb is big wave surfer. He says his secret is making himself uncomfortable. “During training, I seek out and try to ride waves that scare me. It’s only when you step outside your comfort zone that you grow. Being uncomfortable is the path to personal development and growth”.
“So if I’m not doing everything right and my co-parent’s not doing everything right either, where does that leave us?”
It leaves you both wonderfully human. It leaves you both as flawed human beings, like us all, fumbling your way through a bumpy life. Two human beings, eye-to-eye, making mistakes and feeling fear, uncertainty, regret, and many more hard-to-deal-with emotions.
From here, finding compassion for yourself and your co-parent is the first building block for positive co-parenting.
“Wherever there is another human being, there is the opportunity for kindness” Seneca